Monday, November 07, 2005

Two BFNs in Two Weeks

Oct 21 I took a HPT, and it was BFN. Two weeks later on Nov 4 I took another one and again, BFN. I am on CD 52, and was on BCP last cycle. I have to call my doctor and hope he's got an available morning appointment on Nov 18th. I'm going out of town that afternoon and will possibly meet someone for lunch, so I'd like to get in that morning. That morning is important because it's the day after payday (I have no insurance) and I'll have taken another HPT that morning (fully expecting another BFN).
I don't get it. I have no idea why my body has decided that it refuses to work unless it's medicated. If I'm not on Clomid or BCP it can be many months between AFs. It seems to be getting worse, too. I used to be able to O on Metformin alone, yet the last cycle I went just on Met was annov and lasted 49 days. This cycle I'm completely unmedicated.
Who knows - and sometimes I wonder if anyone even cares, including me. I'm getting jaded about the whole thing. I want a baby - desperately - but it's getting to the point where I'm giving up because it's easier to tell myself it doesn't matter than trying to convince myself that it will work someday. It doesn't help that my co-workers see me with other people's children and comment on how good a mommy I will be and how great I am with kids.