Planning for Christmas

Yep, I'm already planning. I have to - we're on a very tight budget and I am sick to death of giving people IOUs at Christmastime (especially since it seems that there are times that we are unable to go back and actually give that person a gift). So I'm already in the planning stage.

Most people are getting handmade gifts. I prefer it that way, and the bonus is that (usually) it's cheaper as well. Only a few people are getting purchased items.

I got this far through the post and was about to make a list of what I've got figured out so far, when I realized that there is a very slim chance that one of my recipients may read my blog! So much for the list on the blog idea...

Automotive Issues

These cars are driving me up the wall. I so wish that Jon would get hired somewhere so that we can get a new car - maybe even two!

The starter went out on his car about two weeks ago. It just won't start. At this point, it's more of an inconvenience than anything else, because he's not working so it's not as if he has to go anywhere. If he really needs a car, all he has to do is take me to work and he can use mine.

Then mine decided to act up. First, it suddenly got extremely loud, as if the exhaust system is falling apart (it's not impossible). Then, the latch mechanism on the driver's side decided to break. At this exact moment, the door will not open AT ALL. I bought a new latch mechanism today, but I won't be able to get it into the car if we can't get the door open.
Additionally, the passenger's side door handle has been broken since late August. For a short time, both door handles were broken (it's a lousy design, but was all the rage in the late 80s and early 90s because it looks "cool" - yeah, it's real cool to have broken door handles every year or so). We fixed the driver's side door handle not long after I got out of the hospital, because once I started driving again, I had to be able to easily get in and out of my car.
We had to shimmy the passenger door open with a coat hanger to get into the car this morning. It was not fun, and caused a lot of what I call "quiet yelling" at each other. We were snippy and probably would have been yelling, but our landlord was here trimming the bushes out front, so we didn't want her to overhear us arguing. It was not fun, and I did too much straining trying to help Jon get the door open. I've been sore ever since, and I haven't been this sore in a couple of weeks. I actually took a Vicodin earlier.

This evening, I'm going to my uncle's house to have him help me with my car. He likes working on cars and has tricks for things now and then. Hopefully, he'll have a trick for this door latch thing.

An Unwanted Anniversary

Today is the sixth anniversary of us trying to have a baby. We have not been hard-core trying for this entire time, but it is still our 6th anniversary of starting the TTC journey.

It's an anniversary I could easily have done without.

Mystery Stole, Part Two

Here is my completed Part Two of MS4:

After finishing this and having to stop halfway across a row to take the picture (I did the same thing with part one), I was frustrated enough to purchase a 29" long circular to work this project on. Now I can spread it all out on one needle to take my pictures.

Mystery Stole, Part One

I'm working on the Mystery Stole (hereafter referred to as MS4) on Ravelry. It is a neat idea where the designer releases a brand-new pattern in stages to everyone who signs up for the group in time. MS4 is worked from the ends towards the middle and has six parts, five that are duplicated (both ends) and one center motif. The two pieces are then grafted together to make one beautiful stole. It is beaded, and the beads are an integral part of the design.

Here is my completed Part One:

{Note: I am thinking of merging my photo blog with this one. Neither gets updated as often as I'd like, and since there is usually a blogable story to go with each photo, I might as well keep them together.}

Today's Appointment

What a day, what a day.

I had an appointment this morning with my PCP because I have been having some abdominal pain. The doctor seems to think that it is a gallbladder problem, possibly stones. I had to have blood drawn and an ultrasound. The only problem was that for once, I had gotten up in time to eat breakfast, and the ultrasound required that I fast for 8 hours prior to having it done. So my small cup of fruit that I had for breakfast blew my entire day - I could not eat or drink anything until after my ultrasound, which was scheduled for 6pm. Which means that I finally got something to eat at around 7. I was STARVING!! Truth be told though, I was more thirsty than hungry.

Now I get to wait for the results. Since the technician is not allowed to give me any kind of a diagnosis, I don't know any more than I did before the ultrasound was performed.

Before Green Gables

Before Green Gables

I found this book in the library by chance and thought it looked interesting. Boy was I right. If you liked Anne of Green Gables, you'll love this book.

Doctor's Appointments

So I called my ob/gyn's office yesterday to make an appointment for a pap & pelvic. Not that it's my favorite thing to do, but it does have to be done each year. And I'm overdue - I should have had this done back in April.

The soonest they could get me in was JULY 23rd. And, I have to drive 35 miles for the appointment (once upon a time I could get them done here in town). This, to me, seems a bit ridiculous, especially since I wouldn't even be seeing my regular doctor (I'd be seeing a "temp" doctor) and I don't want anything fancy - just your standard girly appointment.

So I stopped in at my family doctor's office this afternoon to see if I could get in to see him any sooner. Guess what. June 30. Only 2 weeks away (instead of 7) and right here in town. I guess I'll be calling to cancel that ob/gyn appointment. I wasn't going to see her any more after that one anyway, seeing as we're moving at the end of August.

Which leads me to - going back on the pill. I don't really want to, but with all of the stress and excitement of moving, we're not really TTC right now anyway. It's much better for me (and my sanity) to go back on the pill during this time so that I can know exactly when AF will arrive and how long she'll stay. Irregularity is a nuisance at best. This way, after we're moved and settled, I can start again with my new doctors, hopefully not having to start completely over with the procedures, etc.

S is a fun letter...

I'm noticing that I can make a lot of cute logos/names with an S. Which comes in handy since my first name starts with an S. A couple of examples are Sara's Sox, which was my original idea for a business (beaded socks). Then I branched out into sewing and came up with Sara's Stitches as a business name, with Sara's Sox as a subsidiary (sounds way cool that I have a subsidiary, IMO).

The one I came up with today isn't intended as a business name per se, since I have no intent to go into photography as even a side job; it's just something I enjoy. But I wanted to have a cute name to make into my watermark for those rare times when I do take pictures for someone else, or just to make my watermark stretch further across the picture (I don't want someone to be able to easily edit it out with PhotoShop). Today's cute "S" name: Sara's Snapshots.

I'm going to beat someone senseless someday...

Or maybe they're senseless already and that's why I'm so frustrated!

I work in the deli department. A large portion of my job is slicing up various meats and cheeses for customers. For reasons that I may never understand, 95% of customers are EXTREMELY thick-headed when I ask for clarification on how thick or thin they want their slices to be!

There is no such designation as shaved - nor do I have a setting on my slicer for slivered, chipped, deli thin, sandwich thin, average, medium, etc. We have a chart with numbers corresponding to various thicknesses for a reason. Our slicers have dials with NUMBERS on them to indicate the how thick the slice will come out. When I ask you to clarify what you mean by "shaved" by using a number, don't look at me like I'm the idiot and repeat that you want it shaved. Doing so is likely to cause me to do a piss-poor job with your request, since you did a piss-poor job of telling me what you really wanted. PICK A DAMN NUMBER!

And please, for the love of anything you wish to love, please don't ask me to shred your meat. That's why you have a food processor and/or a blender. Shred it yourself. I have better things to do, like throw things at the customers who insist that they want their meat "shaved".

I just finished this book:

From Booklist
Infertility and infidelity pack a potent--and potentially fatal--one-two punch to Elinor and Ted Mackey's once-idyllic marriage in Winston's perceptive and poignant exploration of marital commitment and liberation. Intelligent and successful, the Mackeys appear to have everything going for them except the ability to become parents and the agility to withstand the devastating emotional impact such a loss imposes on their relationship. Her hormones in a state of turbulent imbalance, Elinor becomes alternately volatile and withdrawn, driving Ted to seek refuge at the local gym, where his nubile personal trainer, Gina, is more than willing to provide the sympathy and support he craves. Madly in love with Ted, single-mother Gina has a secret weapon to eventually win him over: her ten-year-old son, Toby, whose open adoration of Ted may prove too hard for anyone to resist. Once again, Winston demonstrates a laserlike ability to focus on the inescapable reality of contemporary relationships, tempering her characters' abject pain with appealing good humor.

Carol Haggas Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved.

Here we go again!

Yet again I am going to attempt to be a good blogger. I do well for a while, then forget to blog for days, weeks, or months at a time. I actually have at least two blogs somewhere in cyberspace that have been abandoned for over a year.

So we'll see how it goes. I enjoy blogging - it blows my mind that I'm not better at keeping on top of it.

Sewing Still

Lucky me I found a new lead for my sewing projects. A cousin of my mum's has two kids who are in show skating. She is going to hook me up so that I can go to skating events and sell practice outfits (skirts mostly, but some dresses) and through that possibly get some orders for actual competition costumes! The practice outfits alone usually run close to $50 - and show/competition costumes can be $100 and up, depending on their complexity. This is a very good opportunity for me! If I can get into the skating scene, that plus what I pick up in general clothing orders will really help me to make a good argument for taking a pay cut of $40 per week to switch to a job that will let me be healthier & happier.

So far, because I'm trying to get the word out about what I do, I am doing a lot of freebies. I make something and give it to someone, hoping that that person will then order more from me and send people my way. Not much luck yet, but I have made a very cute baseball outfit for my niece to wear to Sunday's game. We're going to watch the Detroit Tigers (hopefully) stomp the Boston Red Sox. I will have plenty of business cards on me, so whenever someone compliments her outfit I can say, "I made that for her. Here's my card." Since it is a Sunday, kids will be able to run the bases after the game, so there will be a lot of kids and parents there. Hopefully I'll get a few leads!

Updating a bit

I'm a little behind with this update, but here it is in all its gory glory.

I met my new doctor, Dr. Fuller, on June 1, 2007.
I like my new doctor. She is an ob/gyn - this is the first time I've ever had a female doctor. It's a little strange, but in a good way if that makes any sense.
She wants me to take a couple of months and try to lose some more weight. No big shock there - if you're as heavy as I am every doctor you see wants you to lose weight. She also has me on Prometrium during the second half of my cycle now. That will keep me from having the marathon cycles. Whether I ovulate or not, I'll be having a more regular cycle.
I started the Prometrium right after my appointment, and was on it for 10 days. No side effects, but that was a very HEAVY period after my last dose of Prometrium!! I wasn't surprised by it - after all, my last prior one was back in January - but it was rather inconvenient since it was the worst on the day of my BIL's wedding. I hope and pray that future AFs are not that heavy.
In August or September, I'll start on Clomid and Metformin again. The Met will help with my Insulin Resistance (thankfully I'm only slightly IR), and the Clomid will help me to ovulate. I'm pretty sure that I'll still be on the Prometrium during the second half of the cycle, although I have to double check on that.

I will be having an endometrial biopsy on July 13th. I actually have to call to make sure about that, since now that I have an idea of when AF will show up, I might have to change that appointment. When I made the appt, I got the impression that if possible there was a certain time within the cycle that they prefer to do it. At that time I had no idea when my next period would show. Now that I'm on the Prometrium, I can at least narrow it down to within a few days of the end of that last dose - which actually has me starting right around the day that my biopsy is scheduled for. Probably not what they want. I'm guessing they'd rather I was in for that before I stop the Prometrium.

I am a little worried about having to possibly reschedule - this appointment that I have on July 13th was their first available appt way back on June 1st. I'm hoping that if I do have to reschedule, I won't have to wait another 6 weeks for it! When I call for that, I will also make my August/September appt. Might as well take care of both appts at once.

Interesting Dr Appt Today

I went to the doc today because it was that time of year - time for my pap & physical. Woo-flippin-hoo. And, today's visit just reminded me how much I like my doctor.

I have been spotting since Easter. Before that, my last AF was in January. Doc said two things were wrong with that: #1 I should have called for something to bring on AF after 2 months of not having it, so that I go no longer than 3 months w/o AF; and #2 I shouldn't let the spotting go on more than 3 weeks without calling to get it checked out. I did tell him that I let the spotting go because by the time it got to the point where I would have called for an appt, I already had today's set up so I just decided to wait it out.
I also told him that I don't have an ob/gyn anymore because my previous one no longer participates with my insurance, and I had to stop going to the RE because it was just too far away. I didn't mention that we were working on prepping for adoption, because our discussion was focused less on getting me pg and more on getting my cycles straightened out. He has referred me to the Women's Practice that is associated with his office - he wants me to have a pelvic ultrasound and finally get 100% confirmation of a PCOS diagnosis (I've been told many times that I probably have PCOS and that it is most likely what my problem is, but I've never been given the definite diagnosis of "Yes, you have PCOS."). He also said that my uterus is tilted towards the back - I knew it was tilted but not which direction.
He ordered a bunch of blood work today - he tested FSH and LH, insulin levels, and a pgcy test! I don't expect it to come back positive, but I almost got the impression that the doctor does. He said that he won't prescribe me anything until that test comes back - if it comes back negative he will have me take Provera to get rid of the spotting, and if it comes back positive we will go from there but we will have to do something to find out why I've been spotting so much and so long.
I'll be calling tomorrow for my appt with the Women's Practice. After I find out about my blood work, I will post how that came out.

Amazing - I thought I was done with all of this fertility stuff for a while!

Six Pounds!

In my first week on Weight Watchers, I lost six pounds!! I am so excited!!
I'm sure that a large portion of it has to do with the fact that I am drinking a LOT less soda now. That doesn't make it any less exciting!

It also means that I may already have to do an alteration on a skirt I'm making for myself! I was just waiting to have time to install the zipper, and since I have lost over an inch off my waist in the past week, I now have to try it on before I finish with it to see if it will be too big. Luckily there is a side seam that is not connected to a zipper, so if I do have to take it in an inch or two, I'll just do it on that side. The skirt will then be not quite symmetrical, but I don't really care about that. I'll be much more excited that I had to take it in!

Good Day, Sucky Night.

Today was a good day. I got up, made breakfast (eggs & bagels - yum!) and watched television while the dishwasher was running. I also found and took my photo for my 365 blog. When DH got up, he got dressed and I took him into town so he could go to a meeting, then came back home and posted an ad online for my sewing business. Within hours, I had an order!! One of my good friends wants me to make a comforter for her daughter. After picking DH up from his meeting and getting some lunch, we went to Wal-Mart so I could check out patterns and fabric. I got a pattern I liked, but none of the fabrics really jumped out at me. We came home so DH could watch the baseball game, and I went back to town in search of a zipper foot for my sewing machine and to hit another fabric store. I found the foot that I needed, and much cheaper than I expected! Also, I found a fabric for the comforter that I just LOVED. Pale yellow with cute butterflies, bees, and ladybugs. I didn't buy it yet (one of the hazards of a brand-new tiny business - sometimes I need payment before being able to even start the project) but when I came home I discovered that this same friend also wants me to make her a second blanket - this one a throw for her made out of her daughter's old baby clothes. It's a very sweet idea and I am thrilled to do it.

Tonight was a sucky night. We had decided to go to a movie tonight. DH really wants to see "Grindhouse" and I sorta want to see it, so we were going to see that since it probably won't be in the local theatre much longer. DH went outside and got into the car while I finished posting, and then I went out, shutting the door behind me. Little did I know, DH had NOT grabbed the keys when he went outside! We were completely locked out - neither of us had a set of keys on us. We walked the 3 miles to the landlord's house to ask her to let us in, only to discover that she wasn't home. So we walked another quarter-mile to McDonald's where we called my sister (an hour and a half away) and begged her to come rescue us. To her credit, she did. I have a habit of locking myself out (don't ask, I'm not even sure myself) and since she used to live in the same town, we gave her a key to our house back then so I could call her if I ever needed it; she has always had one since. She took a very long lunch at work and drove over here in the dark and rain to let us back in to our house. We thanked her profusely and gave her $20 for gas. From the walking (in terrible shoes, I might add, but in my defense I wasn't planning to walk more than a few yards, let alone three miles!) I now have a sizable blister on each foot, which makes it hurt considerably to walk even a few steps. I'm glad I have tonight off, but I have to work tomorrow!! I hope the blisters shrink down by then so that they're less painful.

Mailbox

Every time it snows enough for the roads to need plowing, somehow the plow manages to open the back side of our mailbox. Today it was in rare form though - it opened the front and the back, and popped the flag about halfway up. How this is possible, I'll never know. But here's the proof.

More Crafty Fundraising

In addition to the beaded socks, I'm also selling handmade clothing. It started with some cute froggy pajama pants that I made for myself (I posted a photo and people started saying, "I want some; will you make me a pair?"), and is going to expand from there. I recently purchased a TON of cute patterns on eBay for kids' clothing, which includes popular items like pillowcase dresses, peasant dresses, bloomers, bandanna dresses, onesie dresses, scrunchies, and a lot more.

If anyone is interested, all you have to do is let me know!

New Fundraiser

I have a new fundraiser! Thanks to a good friend of mine on FROGs, I am now selling beaded socks for girls. I am making them in all sizes from infant to adult. The sock pictured is an example:
This particular pair of socks would cost $5.25, because the beads on it glow-in-the-dark. Regular price for non-glowing beads is $5 per pair. Shipping is $2 per pair, 50 cents each additional pair in the same order.

If you would like to order, simply contact me and let me know what you want! I need the following information with your order: sock size, yarn color, whether you want the beads to match or coordinate, and if you want glow-in-the-dark beads. Glow-in-the-dark beads will not always match as well as the ones pictured.

Saving & Fundraising for Adoption

I just wanted to make a list of all that I am doing to save and/or raise funds towards adopting. As time goes on, I will re-post this list with any additions or deletions, and an update of how much closer we are to our goal ($20,000).



~ Donating Plasma: I make $20 per donation, up to $200 per month. Karma perk: it is helpful to those who have been injured or in need, much the same as donating blood. This actually hasn't started quite yet - my first donation will be on Nov 15th.
~ Savings: I opened an account at INGDirect that has no minimum balance requirements and pays interest to the tune of 4.10%. I started the account with $15, and any money I receive from my fundraising efforts will go into this account. I will also be making a small deposit every pay period, the amount of which will depend on what is left over after our bills are paid.
~ More Savings: I have an account at Bank of America, and am enrolled in their "Keep the Change" program. Every time I use my debit card, the amount is rounded up and that amount put into savings for me. Plus, Bank of America matches a percentage of the money put into savings through this program, and the savings account accrues interest (0.2%) and there is no monthly fee if I maintain either a minimum balance of $300 or set up automatic transfer of $25 or more from checking (I'm doing the automatic transfer for now, once I have $300 I will just let it sit and build up from my Keep the Change purchases - it will be a slower savings, but it will be there)
~ Interest: Our joint checking account (the one we use for bills) is an interest-bearing account. Once per month it accrues about 10 to 15 cents in interest. It's not much, but it helps.
~ Amazon: I am an affiliate on Amazon.com. Go to Amazon.com by clicking on either of the links on my blog, and I will make a small percentage of your purchase. How much I make from this depends on how often people shop on Amazon through my site.
~ Amazon, part 2: I am also selling items on Amazon. Many of our VHS tapes have been sitting on our shelves untouched for over a year, and I am clearing the clutter while making a little money at the same time. How much I make from this depends on whether or not people buy my stuff.
~ eBay: I am taking steps to become a seller on eBay. Once I do that, I can sell many things that we have floating around our house. Both J & I have extensive collections of collectible card sets, among other things. Again, how much I make from this depends on whether or not people buy my stuff.
~ Google: I signed up for a Google affiliation. I'm not 100% sure how it works, but the link to it is on this blog, so check it out!


There are a few more things in the works, but this is what is set up and going for now. It's quite a list!


We have $69 so far, only $19,931 until we reach our goal!

My co-worker

I got some good news at work - I'm doing just fine.

Here's why this is such a big deal:

I've been working in this position since the middle of July (so about 4 months now).  It was all new to me - I had never dealt with accounting in any way, and especially not in relation to retail.  It was a lot to adjust to.  I was pretty slow as I got used to it, because I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.
As time has gone on, I've gotten faster, but Kathy (who trained me) has kept telling me that I need to get faster because I'm making others' jobs harder by being so slow.  No matter how much I have improved my speed, she keeps telling me that I'm still too slow.  It's hard to deal with, because she has never said, "Good, I'm glad you're getting faster" just "You're still too slow; you're leaving too much work for Mary & Michelle to finish up."

Friday morning I spoke with Mary and told her that I know I'm faster, but I feel like I'm not good enough still and I know where I am still having problems.  That night, Michelle told me that not only am I just fine as far as speed goes, but that Kathy is not as great as she thinks she is.  She also thinks that Kathy tries to ensure her own job security by not training people well (I'm the third person in this position since Kathy started in it).  I have noticed that - Kathy has trained a couple of other people who are backups for when neither of us can work, and she trained BOTH of them better than she trained me.  I picked up a few things that I need to be doing just by listening in while she was training them.  And, she showed me about the slowest way possible to do a couple of things (I have since picked up faster methods on my own).  I've also noticed recently (including an instance just last night) that she seems to find new things that I "ought" to be doing each night as soon as I start getting finished with my work at a decent time.  I just start getting into a pattern where I'm getting what I need to get done, and she says, "You know, you should be doing this every night, too."  It's as if she wants me to look bad, so she can always look better.

Last night I was so offended, I almost told her off (but I bit my tongue just in time) because I was trying to figure something out and she said, "It might just be too complicated for you."  Um, excuse me??  This coming from the woman who spells the word "comments" as "commits"??  No.  It's not too complicated for me.  I had made a mistake on the adding machine and was trying to fix it and said to myself, "No, that didn't work, either," - thus eliciting that comment from her.  I know that I am more intelligent than she is (not bragging, just a fact) and her saying that to me was very insulting.  I did keep my nasty comeback to myself, and now that I have had time to think about it, I have a better response.  Next time she implies that I can't handle something, I will simply say that I am perfectly capable of doing my job.  That's it.

money & job

Or maybe job & money. Anyway... I'd like to find a new job. I don't hate my job, I don't even really dislike it all that much. I'm just frustrated. It doesn't seem fair to me that upper management gets more weekends off than on, and dept managers get every weekend off, and most floor people get one or two weekends a month off, but I'm expected to work every weekend??? And if I do want one off, I have to put in a request at least a month in advance and hope I get approved for it. If I don't get approved, I have to work it. It didn't bother me one bit until I requested a weekend for J's birthday so we could have friends over and I could actually SEE them, and it got denied. I don't want to be a big grouch, but if I don't get at least one weekend off between now and January, I am going to be livid. I knew I was going to be working most weekends when I got this position, but I also said that if I needed time, I'd put it in. That's annoying but okay. It's when they deny the ONE weekend I ask for in a month that I get mad. So I would like to find a new job. I am being very picky, so there's a good chance I won't find one. Michigan's economy is in the sewer after all. Unemployment is VERY high - the rest of the country has seen dropping unemployment rates, but here in Michigan it just keeps going up. Of course, that only counts the people who can draw an unemployment check. There are many more who are unemployed but have used up their benefits, but since they're not drawing the check, they don't count in the figures. I know all of this, and am going into my job search with open eyes. Here's what I'm looking for: something in an office; 8 or 9am until 5 or 6pm; Monday through Friday - NO WEEKENDS. I am sick and tired of never seeing my friends because they've all got real jobs and I'm the only loser still stuck in retail. I also need to be making at least as much as I make now. I made a comment to J that with him working, we could afford for me to drop down in salary a little bit if it gets me into a job where I'm happier. His response was that he'd love to see me happier, and working more normal hours, but if we're going to save up $15K any time soon, I can't take any kind of a pay cut. He's so right. So I need to make at least as much as I'm making now, if not more, which will be very difficult, especially in this town. If we could move it would help so much - I know of one company just off the top of my head that starts at over a dollar more than I make now, but it's over 2 hours away (I don't even know if they're hiring, but that would be easy enough to find out). We live in a college town, and there's an almost unlimited supply of people willing to work part time for minimum wage, so it's hard to find anything that pays anything above that. He's now a little worried that I want to change jobs, because the economy is so bad right now. I tried to reassure him that I will not quit this job until I have found a new one, and that since I am being so picky I know that there is a chance I won't find what I'm looking for and will have to stay with this job. He still seemed apprehensive about it, but I have promised him and I promise myself - I will not quit my current position until I have a new job lined up - and that new job must fit all of my criteria. The only thing I'm flexible on is weekends - I don't mind the occasional Saturday, but no Sundays - I'd like to start going to church again.

Donating Plasma

I'm cleared to donate!  Woo-Hoo!!  This is exciting.  It will add $200 per month to our adoption fund, making the goal of saving enough to adopt that much easier to attain!  The local center pays $25 per donation, and you can donate up to twice per week.  $50 per week x four weeks per month = $200 more per month towards our savings!  I am so excited!

I went in to find out what I would need to do to be cleared.  Did I have to talk to my PCP, did he have to sign something, do I have to submit anything?  What do I need to do?  By the time I had finished talking to the guy there, and he talked to the doctor there, I had been cleared!

They require a basic physical on your first visit (bp, temp, height, weight, general health) and the next available appointment for that wasn't until November.  So there is still a delay, but only a month!  My appointment for my physical and first donation is November 15th.  I am so looking forward to it.  I can't describe how much that money will help us out in our quest towards having a child of our own!

China

Just a quickie post - I found some pricing information on adopting from China today.

The one agency that I'm looking at that deals almost exclusively with China lists the cost as approximately $15,000.  Naturally, that does not include travel or other incidentals - just the adoption process itself.  But it is $3,500 cheaper than Russia, so it might be more of an option for us at this time.

A cursory search for travel costs lists Detroit to Beijing as being about $3,000 for the two of us (close to $1500 each, but still at least $1000 cheaper than 2 trips to Russia at $1000 each per trip).  Only one trip is required, which will be a big savings as well.  However, the trip does have to be somewhat long - about three weeks.  Luckily the "gotcha day" would be a little less than a week into the trip, so we would have our child with us for the majority of the time we are in China.

Money Woes

J and I discussed money tonight - specifically, money to fund the adoption. For me, it did not go well. I had been hoping that with some responsible choices and me finding ways to make a bit more money on the side, we'd be able to swing it sometime next year - late, but next year - maybe around J's birthday. Now J is saying that he doesn't think we'll be able to do it before he gets another settlement payment - which will be August of 2008. I had hoped to be well into the adoption process by that time, not just starting!

I do have a few ideas of how to bring in a little extra money. Unfortunately, it isn't much, but every little bit counts. One thing is donating plasma - there's a local place to donate and you can get up to $200 per month doing that. If I were able to get started with that, it would all be free and clear - and put straight into our savings for adoption. I'm also seriously thinking of starting to sell Tupperware. I'm still getting information on that and the decision is not final, but I am definitely leaning towards doing it. Again, all of that money would be put directly into our adoption savings. Also, it has been suggested to me that I do some knitting projects and sell them. I'd love to do that, but I'm not sure if I could sell enough to make it worth my while. I will start making some items and selling them on eBay to see how it goes. I will definitely have to make sure I don't undercharge for shipping - which is something I have done in the past.

And with eBay - that in itself is a little frustrating right now, although it's nothing that eBay has done or can do. You need 10 feedbacks to sell, which is understandable - they want to see some level of commitment. That means that I have to purchase and get good feedback on 10 items before I can do any selling - and I'm anxious to do some selling! I know that not everyone is on the ball about feedback, but there is an item I bought two weeks ago, paid for right away, received one week ago, and left positive feedback the same day I got it. So why hasn't the seller left feedback for me?? AARRGH! Every feedback counts right now and I can't afford to buy a lot of things, especially when I'm trying so hard to save and not spend. I know that I'm really impatient and one feedback isn't really that important in the grand scheme of things, but it is very frustrating.

Help from Work

I asked our store manager last night if she is aware of anything that our company offers to help offset the costs of adoption. She said that she doesn't know, but that there is someone who would - unfortunately that person is not going to be in until Monday morning.

She also said that if there isn't a company program, she would be willing to write to corporate and ask for the help for me as a type of associate assistance grant. I hadn't thought of that. She had a very good point, too - she said, "The worst they can do is say 'no'." How true. If they say no, I've lost nothing, but if they say yes, I've gained some much-needed financial help!!

I also got the impression that she would be willing to try and do something to help at the store level. She didn't come right out and say it, but she kinda hinted at it. If it comes to that, I'd have to make a big decision. I wasn't planning to tell more than 3 or 4 people at work - just those who have been praying for me for quite a long time now - and if I did agree to a store-level thing, it might become public before I'm ready for that.

I am in no way embarrassed or wanting to keep the adoption a secret, I just plan to wait until we're further along in the process to let the whole world know about it.

Adopting from Russia

I got an email today about adopting from Russia. I am all for it - especially with the possibility that the entire process can take as little as 7-9 months from start to finish! I haven't discussed it with J yet because he wasn't home when I got the emails, but here is the breakdown of how much some of it will cost:

THE SERVICE FEE INFORMATION
The service fee to adopt a child from Russia is $18,500 payable to Faithful Charities Foundations and abroad in installments as follows:
1st installment (agency fees): $2000 is sent with the signed contract to start the adoption process.
2nd installment(foreign fees) $4500 is due upon submission the dossier.
3rd installment (agency fees) of $3200 is sent when referral or notification of travel is received.
4th installment (foreign fees) $4300 due during the first trip in the region and a Moscow representative
5th installment (foreign fees): $4500 due during the second trip in the region and a Moscow representative

The service fee doesn't cover traveling, home study and INS expenses.

As a baseline for approximate travel amounts, I did a search for the first week in Jan. If we left on Jan 1 and came back on the 7th, the round trip cost for the flights would be anywhere from $1675 (total for 2 of us) and up. These prices will vary a little depending on when we actually go - I'm well aware that the beginning of January is a busy time for traveling - I chose those dates based on us staying about a week but J still not having to miss school (although I would hope that his professors would be understanding). If we can go over a weekend that would help, but I don't know how possible that would be considering that we have to deal with Russian courts on these trips and I doubt that they're open on the weekends. I'm going to tell J to do his best to not have classes on either Monday or Friday, giving us that much more time around a weekend available. One advantage we have is that we can easily go to one of several airports in the state, since we have family and/or friends close to many of them. The cheapest airport will probably be the one in Detroit, and my best friend lives there; I know that she would gladly keep our car for us and take us to & from the airport.

I have no idea what Home Study or INS costs would be. I need to look into those still.

This is actually pretty close to what I expected it would cost (I was figuring around $20,000) so the amount is not a surprise.

I guess it all depends on when we would start. Sooner is better for me - the sooner I have my child the better! But we also have to think of timing, because J is in school and I have work to think about (arranging for time off - would it fall on this year's or next year's vacation schedule?) If, for example, I started it today, our first trip would be in Jan-Feb. Not only is that bad timing as far as J's schooling is concerned (both parents must travel on both trips), but having that much money available right after Christmas is unlikely (although all of our Christmas money will go towards the adoption fund). At the earliest, we could have our child by mid-April - which would mean another trip to Russia (this time we'd have our tax refunds by then so that will help as far as funding the trip goes) but I'm not sure I'd still have available vacation time to take from work (my vacation year runs from July-June).

It's a lot to think about, and a lot of money to save up. I'm still undecided as to whether I am going to tell the families now or later. At the moment, I'm thinking that I want to keep it pretty quiet until more has been decided (like where we'll be adopting from and when). No need to get them all involved from day one. I wasn't even going to tell my IRL friends right away, but as it will affect something we had been hoping to do next summer, I need to tell them that my money-saving priorities have changed. It's something to ponder.

Adopt Me, Baby!!

So about adoption. The more I think about it, the more I'm feeling as if that is the way to go for us at this point in our lives. I am not giving up on the possibility of a biological child, but I am giving up on the stress and strain of trying so hard to make it happen. I have an awesome clinic with great doctors & nurses, and I still want to complete the testing to find out what exactly is wrong - why we have had so much trouble - but since it is so far away from us, and I do work odd hours, it would be very difficult for us to actually pursue treatment through that clinic at this time. There are so many roadblocks being put up along this path right now - I just feel as if God is telling us to go a different route to create our family.

I've now scooted around on two separate websites and requested information from both. Aside from a lot of browsing of things I've already seen on their sites, I can't do much else besides wait now. After bills are paid this paycheck, I'll have to see if there is enough left over to buy ink for the printer so I can print some things out - there are a few preliminary forms for one of the sites that do not obligate you, but they do get your foot in the door should you choose to adopt through them. Both agencies I am looking at deal in international adoptions - one exclusively with China and the other with several countries.

Jon's biggest thing right now is funding - he feels that you have to have a lot of money to adopt and Lord knows we don't have a lot of money. He has a good point - with all of the travel involved, plus the start-up costs of bringing a child into our home (crib or bed, other needed furniture, clothes, toys, etc) - money will be very tight. However, I think we can do it. I will be asking at work about possible help with adoption funding (some employers do it - and I won't know unless I ask), plus once we've gotten some of the paperwork complete there are grants we can apply for, plus - unknown to Jon because I want to surprise him with it - I'm putting some money into savings on the sly - $30 a month isn't much, but it's something and every little bit helps.

I have opened an account on eBay, and once I get enough feedback (you need at least 10, it's a very new account and I only have 3 so far) I will begin to sell some things there - all of the money I get from eBay sales will go towards our adoption fund. This will have the added bonus of getting rid of some of the clutter in our house as well!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Above the squiggly is what I started on last night before work (saved as a draft). Now I have even more to report. I spoke with Jon about saving some money towards adoption, and he was all for it. This to me is a huge sign that adoption is the way to go for us. The more I research it; the more I think about it; everything seems to be pointing me in that direction. I have had adoption in the back of my mind for years as something we would do in the future. Now it seems that adoption is something we're going to do starting right now!

The Time Has Come

This has been an emotional day, and will likely be the beginning of a very emotional journey. I have decided something very important.

I can no longer sit around and simply wait.

I have done a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, and a lot of crying. I have reached out to friends and family to help me by praying, by simply being there, or both.

Now it is time for me to take action.

I can deal with never being pregnant. Being pregnant was never my true focus, simply a means to an end. I can NOT deal with never being a mother.

Thus begins anew the journey that began four years ago. The journey to make us parents.

I must have been exhausted!

I can barely believe it myself, but I slept ALL DAY LONG today. I came home, putzed around online a little, and was in bed and asleep by 9. I think it was actually closer to 8:30. Jon came home around 8pm, and hearing him come in is what woke me up. I looked at the clock and was stunned. Did I really sleep for close to 12 hours?? OMG.
I know I woke up around 2pm and went to the bathroom - I also decided at that time that I hadn't had enough sleep yet so I went back to bed w/o doing anything else (except washing my hands, of course).
I figure I must have been much more tired than I thought, since I slept just as deeply after 2 as I had before 2. When Jon came in and I asked if it was really 8pm, I said that it had just been 2 in the afternoon 15 minutes ago! He got a laugh out of that.
The only downside is that now I don't have time to fix myself supper, since I was going to make tacos. I'll just have to grab something in a drive-thru on my way in to work.

not now

I had a reason to come on and put in an entry, but for the life of me I can't think of it at the moment. I'm creating an entry anyway in the hopes that it will come back to me....


nope, it's gone. Oh, well. Can't have been that important then.

Common Threads Project

It's been awhile since I posted anything, but I feel this is important.

Common Threads Project

This is something I'm going to do, and I hope others will do it as well. I hope that it spreads so that those of us who do what we can to avoid crying at the sight of a pregnant belly will be able to find each other in our times of need.

RE appt

My appt went really well. I got to talk to the doctor, who is super-nice and talks a lot, and fast! He gave me a lot of information and went through it all, then gave me a chance to ask questions and went back over what I had asked about. He set out a plan for getting everything checked out, and I go back in a couple of months (beginning of Sept).
I had blood tests done to confirm/deny the PCOS diagnosis. This doc suspects it as well but will not say "yes, you have that" until after all these tests come back. And, he's not making me do an ultrasound at all - these blood tests are much more accurate because any woman can have poly-cystic ovaries at certain times in her cycle, and looking at the ultrasound just shows that there are possible poly-cystic ovaries, but does not guarantee PCOS.
I'm also going to have a HSG done - I've heard about it from a lot of others who have had it done, and even though they told me it would hurt, I'm not too worked up about it.
DH gets to have a semen analysis, and he was cracking me up about it. We live over an hour away from our clinic, so we can't produce the sample at home. I was trying to talk to him about it to let him know what our options are (they have rooms at the clinic, or we could get a hotel room and do it there) and he kept saying he didn't want to talk about it.
Finally I got him to admit that it was kind of embarrasing to him - the way he'd have to produce the sample. I told him what I had to do (the HSG) and asked if he wanted to trade! He shook his head and said, "no, no, that's okay." So even though he is still somewhat embarrassed about how he has to produce a sample, he's not as wound up as he was, which is good.
I love the nurses at the clinic. They're so nice, and very informative! They're also willing to admit if they don't know something and get someone else who does know. The main nurse I talked to was great and gave me a lot of information as well. She set up my appt for the HSG (which is tentative as it depends on when my next CD1 is) and gave me a prescription for Provera in case AF doesn't show on her own. That makes me extremely happy - I don't have to wait for my crazy body to produce an AF for all of this great positive motion to continue.
One thing that I was prepared for (and truly like about this clinic as well) is that it's a teaching clinic. I saw a resident (which made me think of Grey's Anatomy although he didn't look a thing like any of them - just put me in mind of the show) as well as a student who was not yet an intern but that would be her next step. Even though it means that more people end up informed of a lot more of my personal life than I'd prefer to share, I love the idea of helping others learn. I have no problem with a student doctor helping me out, because I may expose them to something they would not ordinarily see in their studies, and I know that the students are well supervised.
I don't have to wait for my next appt to get all of my results, either. I just have to wait about a week or so after each test and call. Except the HSG, they'll tell me the results of that right away. Then, at my next appt we'll discuss what all the results were and what that means for getting us closer to having a baby.
I this clinic!!

Well, it's official. I have Carpal Tunnel in my right hand. I don't have it in my left, which is great. The neurologist said that the symptoms I've been feeling in my left hand are related to the left having to work harder to compensate for weakness in the right.
Since the activity that is causing/adding to my problem is knitting - I'm super bummed. Knitting is how I unwind. It's soothing, the click of the needles and the feel of the yarn in my hands. I'm going to switch to crochet for a while and see if I still have symptoms. I have an afghan that I started last year but never finished, so I'll work on that.
It is something that runs in my family, to an extent. Those of us who do repetitive crafts for relaxation develop CTS. My grandma got it from quilting. My mum got it from doing cross-stitch. And I got it from knitting.
The neurologist said that while I can delay it with pain meds & a brace, I will need surgery eventually. He is sending the results of the tests and the diagnosis back to my PCP, and I'm supposed to discuss my options with him. If they do want me to have the surgery sooner rather than later, I'm going to see if I can't get them to hold off at least until winter. It may seem silly, but I'd rather have some forced confinement when it's too cold & nasty to go outside anyway.

Today's doctor's appt.

I went to the doctor today about my hand. He did a few preliminary tests, and said that he thinks that I may be developing carpal tunnel. Doggone it. I don't have enough going on medically, I had to go and develop carpal tunnel, too?
They're setting me up an appointment to get nerve testing done. Until then (and until I get the results) I've got a prescription for Naprosyn (?) and a brace. What a pain. (pun intended)

I asked him about my thyroid results - he said that he's pretty sure something is going on there because I'm just below borderline... so I've got a standing order to have the test repeated every three months, starting the end of July (because my previous test was the end of April). He said quote: "We're going to catch us a thyroid." He also said that often carpal tunnel goes hand-in-hand with thyroid problems. Very interesting.

I asked about the RE referral, and he had no problem doing it. He also wondered though if the insurance wasn't being too picky, because for women, an ob/gyn is another pcp. If you need a pcp referral, one from the ob/gyn should be sufficient. I told him I wasn't sure, but I wanted to get my bases covered and he said it was fine, and the nurse entered it in the computer for me.
The only thing I forgot to ask him about was this marathon cycle I'm on. I'm so annoyed at myself for that. I was hoping to get started on a new cycle BEFORE I go see the RE. Now I'll have to wait until after, unless of course AF shows on her own. My prediction: AF will show on July 10th (my appt is July 11th). At this point, I'm praying AF either shows soon (within the next 2 weeks) or holds off until after the appt. It will just be easier all around.

Kyla's Blanket

Name: Frustration in Pinks
Made for: Kyla W.
Main colors: "Bikini" and Hot Pink
secondary colors (top edge) soft pink & yellow

This blanket is called "Frustration in Pinks" because I started and ripped it out and started over and ripped it out at least three times. Then, I got to where I only had seven rows to go and ran out of not one but BOTH of my colors! I wasn't about to start over yet AGAIN, so I went with the soft pink & yellow for that edge. The body of the blanket is better, but the edge doesn't look too bad.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

I sure hope not!!!
But there's a chance, and I hope I'm wrong. My right hand has been bothering me a lot lately. It goes painfully numb and very cold at the slightest provocation. You know how sometimes if you lean on your hand it will go to sleep? Lately my hand has gone numb if I just THINK about leaning on it. Any time I use the computer for more than a few minutes - it's gone. It happens a lot at work (cash register) and while I'm knitting, too. Those three combined (computer, cash register, and knitting) are what leads me to fear that I'm developing carpal tunnel.
I'm going to call the doctor's office tomorrow (I love having insurance and a PCP!) to see if they've got any openings for Tuesday. If they're not open tomorrow I'll have to call Monday. For now, I've got an old brace from when I sprained my wrist a few years ago, and I'm wearing that to knit and use the computer. So far it's helping with the computer work, although it is making it a pain to type. Haven't tried it for knitting yet but I'm going to as soon as I'm done here. I'm debating whether to wear it to work tomorrow... I don't want people making a big deal about it, but I don't want my hand going numb, either.

I'm a person too, dammit!!

I work at Wal-Mart, and I know that not everyone who shops there is going to be polite or nice. But they can at least treat me like a human being!!

We have a fence made of cinder blocks and timber railings to block off our outside area for the garden center. We pull out enough rails and blocks to allow for one car to get through into the area at a time, but not two. We do that on purpose, so people have to slow down to drive through there (there are too many people, customers and associates, walking around there at any one time to leave it wide open as a throughfare). Yesterday, this guy hit part of the fence with his truck, breaking one of the blocks and scratching the side of his truck. He didn't say a word about it until after I had loaded his truck with the mulch he bought (25 bags - I'm building muscles with this job!). Then he asked me what I was going to do about the damage to the truck. I politely told him that I couldn't do anything, because he was the one to hit it; we did nothing to cause the scratch to his truck. He demanded to talk to a manager about it. When I went inside to page the manager, he stood inside the door, grumbling. I found out later that he had also been grouchy to the cashier inside.
The manager arrived, and went outside with the customer to survey the damage. A few minutes later the manager came back in (looking really annoyed) and the customer left. When I talked to the manager later in the day, he said that the guy had been really nice and polite, and had even admitted that it was all his fault for hitting the fence! What? Suddenly because you've got a manager you're going to be polite? What's up with that?

It just burns me up that people are nasty to those of us who are the "pee-ons" in life: retail clerks, fast-food workers, etc. It's as if our not having a regular 9-5 office job makes us less of a person. Well screw that - I'm a person, too. Just because I make less money doesn't mean I deserve less respect, and I wish more people would realize that!

The cost of a new Hummer: 2 Pacifiers

This is so cute; I just had to share. Yesterday when I was at work, someone came in to buy a Power Wheels Hummer for her son. It was what he had picked for his birthday present (he was turning three).
His mom looked at the top of the box where the price was and read to her son, "Mom's cost: $170. Koby's cost: 2 binkies." Then she looked at him and said, "Can you afford it?" He said yes, so they came up to the register and she told me to ask him to pay for his part first. So I asked him how he was paying for his new car, and he held up a little zip-top bag with two pacifiers inside. He said, "I pay." I took the bag from him and it was hard for me not to tear up - he was so cute and he was trying so hard to be a big boy, but you could tell he was already having second thoughts.

It's always amazing to watch a turning point in a child's life, even if you don't know the child personally.

And Then There Were None

That is the name of the show I was in this past weekend. It was a lot of fun. I truly enjoy being in shows, and I had kinda forgotten that. I'm so glad I got cast in this one, since I was getting frustrated with local community theatre and was thinking of not doing it anymore. There was a lot of "Please come out for my show!" and "You had a great audition!" followed by not being cast in the show. Very frustrating. I know I won't get cast in every show, but still. Don't beg me to audition and tell me how well I did, but not cast me. After a while it makes me cynical.
But, I had a great time with this show and I have a renewed interest in local theatre. I also was reminded that there are great friendships in theatre, and that I would miss those people terribly if I stopped being involved with shows.

Today is a good day because I have it off from work. I did have a dentist appointment this morning, which means that I'm now in a little pain, but nothing that Advil can't help. In a couple of days it will not bother me at all unless I hit it with something cold - it was kinda big so will likely be sensitive for a time.

I took Jon's car in to have it looked at today - I took it someplace that does free estimates. It has been making a clunking sound when turning sharply. As it turns out, there is a broken spring. Luckily, we can have BIL fix it so it will be a LOT cheaper than having it fixed at the shop. The shop wanted over $800 to fix it!

Still no word from my doctor's office on the rest of the bloodwork that was done. They say to wait at least two weeks for all results - for me two weeks will be this Friday. I'm hoping to get a call soon about the rest of the results.

Bloodwork Results

I got my results for some of my bloodwork yesterday. Unfortunately not all of it, but what I got was good info for me. I wish I had always gotten this much information from doctors. My total cholesterol is a little high, and my LDL is also high. My triglycerides, HDL, and VLDL are all within normal ranges, as is my glucose fasting. That's all good, as far as I'm concerned. They recommend a repeat cholesterol screening in one year. In all, it's actually better than I had expected. Now I'm just waiting for the other results (thyroid especially) to see where we go from that.

My second doctor's appointment (was it only a week ago?) was not as productive as the first, and yet it was also moreso. It seemed to go very fast, and the doctor said that he did test for thyroid and a few other things (he said he tested for things that he could change) a few years ago, but I know for a fact that the only blood tests I had were at the time of my m/c. So when would they have had a chance to do these tests? And why would they do them then? I just don't know, but he said they were done and that they came back in normal ranges.

The big upside is, they made me an appointment at the University of Michigan Center for Reproductive Medicine - one of the best in the state.

I just have to talk to my PCP to ask him to confirm the referral. I also have to find out how it's going to work out that my ob/gyn doesn't participate with my insurance! I didn't find that out until I was leaving the appt. I never even thought about the fact that they might not participate with my insurance. The thing that confuses me the most about it is this: my ob is part of the Gratiot Health System, which is an affiliate of Mid-Michigan Health. Mid-Michigan Health participates with my insurance, but Gratiot Health Systems does not. Wouldn't the affiliates participate with the same insurances that their affiliation participates with? I don't get it. I just hope that when I get the bill (and I'm sure I'll get one) that the insurance covered most of it. It is disappointing, since I'll have to stop going to that doctor and (aside from this one visit) we've always had a good doctor/patient relationship.

Crazy Weekend

My weekend was fun, but super hectic. I don't think I want to do one like that again for quite a long while.

The good part was, my friends were here to visit. It was nice to have a girls' weekend, and really nice just to see my friends. We were even able to spend time with my sister for awhile. We went to see Sue the T-Rex, which is a travelling exhibit sponsored by the Field Museum in Chicago. We'd seen Sue before, but it was neat to see her in this different environment. Haleigh wasn't too sure about the dinosaur skeletons (they were awfully large, and one looks like it might be coming straight at you as you walk in), but she had a blast with all of the hands-on stuff that was there to do. Things to play with, things to smell and move and do - it was neat watching her with all of it. I'd love to take her back sometime when she's older and can appreciate it even more. The photo is of her working a wood press.

The bad part was, I still had to work all weekend. I was at work when my friends arrived, I had to work Saturday night, and I had to work Sunday as well. I feel as if they kinda wasted the trip, because I wasn't able to spend as much time with them as I would have liked. And then there was the issue of the kitten.

Sunday morning, after staying up quite late, I was awoken by one of my friends coming into my room and asking if I knew that there were kittens outside my front window. I said that I didn't know, but I wouldn't be surprised. We looked outside and I couldn't see the nest of kittens, but we did see a couple of adult cats hovering around, so we went back inside. The mewling stopped for awhile, then started up again, then stopped again, then started again - for about an hour. We figured that we had spooked the mother and she was moving the kittens. After a time, we didn't hear it anymore so figured they were all moved. Later that day, I was taking a bag of trash out when I heard a faint mewling cry - there was still one kitten under the bushes. The discovery of the kitten caused a bit of a ruckus, since one friend decided to take it with her. The entire issue was a real problem because it made the one person a bit tense, and she snapped at Haleigh. Any parent knows that someone else snapping at your child - especially when they're not really doing anything wrong - is going to piss you off. This made things a little tense between them, and caused them to leave early as well. It wasn't the best ending to the weekend.

Doctor's Appt #1

Well, I was right. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much pop. What surprised me was something else he said. He said I might not have PCOS! I was so shocked to hear that. But I was telling him that my diagnosis was made by u/s, and he started shaking his head. He said that doctors NEVER make diagnosis of PCOS by u/s anymore! And, since the only thing I've been treated for since getting the PCOS diagnosis is PCOS, and no other tests have been done to see what else might be going on - it's entirely possible I've spent 5 years being treated for a syndrome that I don't even have! Talk about annoying.

So now I've got a lab slip to have all kinds of bloodwork done. Since my pap is tomorrow, my doc told me to take the labwork sheet to my gyn to see if he wants to add anything to it. Then, I'll go and have the labwork done Friday morning.

Been a while....

So I know it's been a while since I posted here. Things get busy and I often just forget that I even have a blog that someone might want to read.
February was a rough month for me. It probably will be my worst month for a long time, too. On about Feb 16th, Dakota (had she been born) would have been 2 years old. And I am constantly seeing children who are about that same age - it's as if there was a baby boom then and I missed it, which is very depressing. Add that to the fact that my grandfather died during Feb my senior year of high school, and it makes for a real downer of a month, even though my birthday is in Feb and even when wonderful things happen during the month (such as a friend having a baby, which happened this year).

But now it's March, and March has got to be better, right? March has its own down moments, but I think that things are going better so it's going to be fine.
Except for one strange thing - I had a dream last night that I got a BFP on two digital tests.... and woke up to find that AF had arrived. Even though I was expecting AF today (I've been having bad cramps the past two days, which really sucked) it was still something of a blow to have that great dream and wake up to AF. But it's okay. I'm going to the doctor this month and will discuss my options with him then.

Two BFNs in Two Weeks

Oct 21 I took a HPT, and it was BFN. Two weeks later on Nov 4 I took another one and again, BFN. I am on CD 52, and was on BCP last cycle. I have to call my doctor and hope he's got an available morning appointment on Nov 18th. I'm going out of town that afternoon and will possibly meet someone for lunch, so I'd like to get in that morning. That morning is important because it's the day after payday (I have no insurance) and I'll have taken another HPT that morning (fully expecting another BFN).
I don't get it. I have no idea why my body has decided that it refuses to work unless it's medicated. If I'm not on Clomid or BCP it can be many months between AFs. It seems to be getting worse, too. I used to be able to O on Metformin alone, yet the last cycle I went just on Met was annov and lasted 49 days. This cycle I'm completely unmedicated.
Who knows - and sometimes I wonder if anyone even cares, including me. I'm getting jaded about the whole thing. I want a baby - desperately - but it's getting to the point where I'm giving up because it's easier to tell myself it doesn't matter than trying to convince myself that it will work someday. It doesn't help that my co-workers see me with other people's children and comment on how good a mommy I will be and how great I am with kids.

Not nearly enough

I do not post nearly enough in this blog. And this post isn't much, as it is mostly something I posted in one of my BGs on FF, with a few more details. I still can't sit at the computer for very long so I'm doing a lot of C&P lately. It frustrates me, because I like to do different posts for each BG, even if I am saying essentially the same thing.

I got weighed at the doctor's office this morning and was 237.5. I was expecting it to be a lot higher since I've been pretty much sedentary for the last 5 weeks (first the sprained ankle, then the car accident). I only gained 1/2 pound since my last official weigh-in, so I'm happy with that!
I really like my new doctor. He's going to be our family doctor, so I did ask around quite a bit and I'm glad I chose him. He didn't make me feel like he was in a hurry to get done with me, and answered all my questions. He also asked me if I wanted more meds (I said no, I've stopped my muscle relaxer and he offered me another but I don't think I need it, and he was fine with that - he said to let him know if I change my mind). He said that OTC ibuprofen and tylenol are fine if they work to help my pain. And, he set me up to start getting physical therapy. That will be awesome, because it will be a set amount of exercise, 2-3 times per week.

Someone stopped by and offered to buy my smashed car, but only wanted to give us $40 for it! The parts we just put in plus the oil change I got less than a week before the accident was over $50. We know we won't get a whole lot for the car since it can't be driven and will most likely only be useful for its parts, but we are sure that we can get more than $40 for it.

As Easy as Falling off a Ladder

Yesterday at work I fell off of a ladder. Let me tell you, that sucked big time.

I was getting empty propane tanks for gas grills off a high shelf to put on lower shelves so customers could reach them. I was coming down the ladder with a box in my hand (something I've done hundreds of times before) and suddenly, I was on the floor and my left ankle was killing me. My foot had rolled under as it hit the floor, and my weight coming off the ladder plus the weight of the tank I was carrying (approx 10 lbs) made it much worse than any ankle roll I've ever had before. I wanted to cry, it hurt so bad. Luckily, someone (a co-worker) saw me fall and he knew what to do (who to call, etc).
After about half an hour of my foot being propped up and having ice on it, I decided that I should probably get it looked at. So off I went to Urgent Care to pee in a cup (drug test) and have them poke and prod and X-ray and tell me I've got a sprain. Not even a really bad sprain, just a painful one. I got to go home three hours early - that was nice in a way but I'll miss that money come payday.
The doctor said that I should be fine by the time I need to go back to work on Thursday (lucky I got Tues & Wed off). I don't know about that so much, but it does feel a little better today than yesterday - or it did until I spent all day having to walk around on it. Tried crutches for a while yesterday; those didn't last long since they pinched my arms and made my hands dirty and sore. The doctor didn't say I had to use them anyway - just said to stay off of it, so I figure it's no biggie if I don't use them.
I'll just have to see how it goes tomorrow. I don't have much planned, so I will most likely spend most of the day in the company of icepacks and pillows trying to make sure that the swelling and pain stays down.

Weights and Measures

My own, I mean. Today I will buy a tennis raquet and a few tennis balls, and I will start playing tennis again. Jon says that he "can't move fast enough" to play with me, the dork. But two people that I work with are willing to play, so I will have people to play with. Maybe we'll even get more people interested and then we'll all have more options about when and how often to play.

Today's weight was 234. I've been hovering around 234 for about 6 months now. It's not too bad, since at one point I was up to 250. But I want to get down to less than 200. I'm working my "weigh" there, in 10 pound increments. I can't "weight" until my short term goal is set at 1-something instead of 2-something.
Measurements: I guess I can at least say I'm still proportional; my waist is smaller than my hips & bust.
Bust: 50
Waist: 46
Hips: 50
Arms: L-15.5, R-14.75
Thighs: L-28.5, R-27.5

There are two different ways to measure for a bra. One says that I should be wearing a 44D, the other says 42H. What I am wearing: 38DDD (same as 38F). Maybe I'll try a 40DDD and see how well it fits. I'm wary of going up a band size because I hate the feeling that my boobs are leaking out underneath my bra. But it has been several years (and about 30 pounds) since I tried a bigger band, so there's a good chance that I won't leak out of a 40 or even a 42. First things first: see if I can find an affordable bra in that size to try.

Too long between email sessions....

So I discovered today that it had been WAY TOO LONG since I'd been into my email. I had over 300 messages in my inbox, and over 4000 in my junk box! Thank God the weather is much cooler today than it has been - I have been online for over two hours just wading through the messages in the inbox. I hope there is nothing important in the junk box, because there is just NO WAY I am going to wade through that as well.

Not much going on around here. I made a new website for the baby I lost - the link to it is under one of my TTC after Loss blinkies in my FF siggy. There's not much to it though - it is through a site for memorial websites, but they are geared towards people who lived (outside the womb) before they died. There are spots for others to comment on how this person touched their lives, and for photos, and things along that line. I did put some things in, like a timeline, but I haven't put the u/s photo I have up yet.
I finished my first round of Clomid - "good" BD timing but still no pregnancy. It's okay though. I have a sense of peace over it all, and I have good feelings that this dosage of Clomid will work, within the 6 month timeframe my doc set out. I am hoping that this month will be our month! If not, we have a month to save up for monitoring during the final round of Clomid. If we do not get pg on this, my doc will refer me to someone else who will prescribe Femara. He isn't comfortable prescribing it yet, but has colleages who will and has no problem referring patients out. The last time I saw him, he said, "There are doctors out there who know more than me." I thought it was a great thing for a doctor to say.

I've been reading up a storm this summer - I've probably read about 30 books since the middle of June. It's been great - I love to read and had actually forgotten the joy of going to the library for a stack of books. Now I try to get to the library at least once a week, and check out a number of books on only a few different things. I enjoy reading Fantasy novels, and have checked out books of poetry, some general fiction, and a couple of crochet/knitting pattern books. I also checked out Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and while I found it interesting, I didn't really get much more out of it than I had already gotten from FF. The only real new information to me from the book was the different types of CM - FF just has a few, and TCOYF has about three different categories in each type that FF lists. I don't think I'll buy the book (it had been on a wish list in the past) but I will probably check it out again and re-read it to see if I change my mind again.

My Arwen Died

Arwen was my guinea pig. She was sweet and kinda cuddly, very jumpy and squeeked a lot (we often called her "Squeeky" because she was so noisy). But she died on Monday. She was two and a half.

She died because she was in the sun for too long on a hot day. Jon wanted to set off bug bombs in the house, so we put her in her cage (an aquarium) outside in the shade. Unfortunately, the shade moved faster than we thought it would, and by the time Jon came home to check on everything Arwen was in full sun and she was not moving. He moved her cage right away to the opposite side of the house (where the shade now was) and checked her water bottle (it was full) and gave her a light mist from the hose to help cool her. He said she moved a little when he misted her with the hose, but by the time I got home from work she was gone.

Jon feels really bad because the whole bug-bomb thing was his idea, and he came up with where would be the best place for Arwen's cage outside, and all of that. Plus he never really liked having her around, because she was noisy and sometimes stinky (but the stinky part was my fault - I wasn't as good about cleaning as I should have been).
Honestly though, I am not mad at him, or upset or pissed or any of it. I am disappointed that she died, but I do not blame Jon for it. It was an accident. He did not set out to kill her (actually, he knew that I had talked to someone about giving her a new home) and I had thought that the shade would stay on that side of the house longer as well.

We buried her yesterday, and I am throwing away or giving away all of her things. Basically, if it still looks new or nearly new, I'm giving it away, and if it is obviously used I am throwing it away. I still have to figure out what to do with the food and bedding I still have left - about half a bag of food and over half a bag of bedding - and that was a massive bag of bedding. I work with someone who has guinea pigs of her own, so I will probably see if she wants the food and bedding.

We're not going to get another guinea pig (it would be silly since we were planning to get rid of this one). What we are going to do instead is set up a large aquarium to hold Oscars and other big fish. Aquariums are nice, and it will be nice to have a big one instead of a tiny one for a change.

Migraines Suck

Today at work I started getting a headache. It wasn't too bad and I was able to pretty much ignore it. Then, Jon & I went to the movies tonight. During the movie my headache got worse & worse until it became a full-blown migraine - the flashing lights and noise from the screen were just killing me. It was upsetting to me not only that the migraine came on so strong but also that I was unable to enjoy the movie because of it. I took some Advil when we got home but it hasn't helped yet - I'm hoping that I can sleep it off and feel better tomorrow!

Two inches too small....

That is the entrance into our kitchen. It's two inches too small for the fridge to go through. Even if they would have taken the doors off, it still would have been too big to fit. Actually, I think the two inches too small was without the doors.
We got a new fridge today. The landlord decided to just get us a new one - she called at about the time she said she'd be over and asked what side the door opened on. Then said that a new one would be delivered sometime between 10 and 11 am. They showed up at 10:55, so they were on time!
The guys who delivered the new one and picked up the old one literally had to lift both fridges up over the counter to get them out and in. It was amazing to see these two guys lifting the fridge up and over our counter - which is pretty impressive considering the height of the counter at it's highest point, which of course they had to go over. Essentially, they lifted it up to about shoulder height.
Our new fridge is nice. It is very similar to the old one, but has one extra shelf in the fridge as well as movable shelves in the door. The freezer door shelves are a tad narrower than the old ones were (my ice cube tray no longer fits in the door) but the storage space itself is a bit bigger, both in the freezer and the fridge. The new one is the same height and depth as the old, but about three inches wider.
I'm just glad we were able to get it all done so quickly. Considering the fact that it's a holiday weekend, we feel very lucky that we were able to contact the landlord and that she was able to get our fridge replaced so fast.

Now to get our food back....

Death of a Refridgerator

Our fridge has died. It happened some time yesterday evening, I think. Last night I had some ice cream and it seemed a little soft, but I didn't really think much of it. This morning, stuff in the freezer was thawed, and I was concerned but I thought maybe I hadn't shut it all the way after getting the ice cream last night. So we made sure that the freezer was shut tight all day long. This evening (around 8pm) we checked and everything was completely melted. The ice cube trays held only water and the frozen veggies were mush. Then we checked the fridge - the milk jug and water pitcher were both sweating - sure signs that the fridge was warming up as well.
We packed everything we could save into the cooler and took it over to my mom's place to store in her fridge for a day or so. The rest of it had to be thrown out. I suppose it's a good way to completely clean out the fridge, but it is frustrating just the same. We called the landlord and she will be coming over tomorrow morning to look at the fridge and see if she thinks it can be simply repaired or if it will need to be replaced. I don't know what she knows about refridgerators, but I guess she just wants to see for herself that it is no longer working.
Of course, a visit from the landlord means that we had to clean the kitchen and dining room really well, in addition to getting the clutter out of the living room. When I get up in the morning I'll be cleaning the inside of the fridge (it's empty now, but I haven't actually cleaned it yet) as well as cleaning out the guinea pig's pen.

Which is another story entirely - Arwen (the guinea pig) is going to have a new home soon. I talked to someone I know from the theatre and she already has one female pig and is interested in having another. I told her that I have one that I would like to find a good home for, and she said that if I am serious about giving her away then they will take her. I'm happy to know that she will be going to a place where she will be taken care of - a lot better than I have taken care of her. I do feel badly that I have neglected her so much.

Long time no blog...

So yeah, I've been really bad about blogging lately. It's not a lack of desire, although at times it has been a lack of thought. There are honestly times that I forget that I even have a blog, and someone mentioning to me that they haven't seen an update in awhile jogs my memory. (insert little blushing smiley here).

I'm working a lot more now that I have been transferred to the garden center. I am done with being in the play. It was a lot of fun, but very much stressful and I am glad to have it done with. I'll be posting more on that later on when I get a few photos to go with it.

Today I mowed on the yard, then came in and took a shower. Jon decided that he wanted to mow some as well, and now our yard is nearly completely mowed, in only one day! What a concept! He even raked a large portion of the yard. He has decided that we need a wheelbarrow, to make raking the front yard easier if for no other reason. I think it would also make it easier to get the sticks and things out of the yard, since we could stop just tossing them out of the way of the mower and actually get rid of them.

But we're done with yardwork for the day and Jon's in the shower now. When he gets out of the shower, he wants to go get ice cream. I don't blame him, mowing & raking is hot, sweaty work.

How do you move on from this?

I'm going through a rough time right now. Someone who has claimed to be my best friend for the last 10 years has completely turned on me. She has been sending me nasty emails and claiming that I am the horrible one.
It was easy to let it all go in one ear and out the other, since I am willing to move on and get away from her, but yesterday I got an email saying how annoying I was that I talked about not being able to have a baby. That hurts, because I don't bring that up; I talk about how things are going with that when people ask me. Mostly because I try not to think too much about it myself. So when she says that my talking about it annoyed her but she listened anyway because she was my friend, that really hurts, since I know that I wouldn't have brought the subject up.

I don't know what to do. I'd like to be the bigger person and just ignore her, but there's a part of me that wants to tell her off before I get her out of my life. Part of it is a desire to not let her get the last word, which I know is so petty. I hate feeling this way. I am so glad I've got other friends and I'm not desperate to keep her in my life.